Although my exact plans in Asia had never been clearly defined, my general plan had always been to spend time in Malaysia and Thailand before meeting my mom in Bangkok for our Vietnam and Cambodia trip together. As I ended up spending more time in Turkey, the timing all shifted a bit, but the idea was always the same. Then Laos started coming up in conversation with a variety of people I'd met - especially Luang Prabang. Univerally, everyone seemed to absolutely love it there, the excitement on their face far more geniune than when talking of Chaing Mai or Chaing Rai in Thailand. And based on my own very professional poll, Chaing Mai wasn't for everyone - some liked, some didn't, only one loved. And she was taking a course there, so was geniuinely attached to the daily life. So a slight shift of thought, Laos was now in the head too...
As I sat here looking out at the Gulf of Thailand for the last few days, contemplating how I would execute on my intended plans, plotting out how I would get from Bangkok to Chaing Mai to Pai (small artsy town north of Chain Mai) to Luang Prabang through Laos and back to Bangkok, I shut down. Reading through some of the books, sitting in front of this screen trying to book the flights and trains and then scanning over hotel options felt all too exhausting. I didn't have the same psych I had a month earlier to be hopping from one place to the next every few days. And now I only had a few weeks to get it all in, time had become a factor and the room for options were fewer.
With 2 1/2 weeks of time before I met my mom, the question was how did I want to spend it. As much as I would love to take in Thailand (Koh Samui is one tiny experience & quite frankly, more "anywhere beach town" with a bit of Thai food & culture mixed in than a "true Thai experience'), and Laos too, if I chose - it would mean 2 -3 days in each place. And each place being on the "tourist hit list," not anywhere off the beaten path. What I had really envisioned doing in Thailand was taking the train and stopping throughout - central, north, northeast. But that takes time - which I just don't have anymore. At least not before I need to be in Bangkok....
I was speaking with a woman last night - the one who loved Chaing Mai. She's been traveling for a bit longer than I have and we both admitted having experienced a certain amount of "guilt" about trying to get to places we'd had on our lists. Even though we were both similar in our "loose approach," enjoying that our plans and path continually shifted (exactly as we had "planned" it would work!) , we both found it was hard to let go some of those "ideas" we had in our head. We come from a regimented existence that is hard to free ourselves from. And two months of being "free" hasn't been enough to erase that thought process. The reality is, three months just isn't all that much time and there is a certain amount of logistical producing & planning that needs to be taken into account for flights, hotels, etc. especially when done somewhat last minute. But the guilt about where to actually go is another factor all together. In all fairness to myself, generally, I haven't let it get to me. I've added destinations and subtracted others along the way and been more than okay with my decisions. But there have been moments. And this was one of them. Much of which stems, I believe, from the fact that I'm heading into the home stretch, and feel the weight of this all ending - which I'm not all that thrilled about.
And then yesterday afternoon I finally had the epiphany I needed. I realized that for two days I had this incredible opportunity to relax, to breathe, to take in these incredible views, but I didn't, I saw none of it, saw right past the blue water and green jungle, as I was too in my own head. I'd spent so much time thinking about where I was going next, how I was going to get there and mostly struggling with this nagging guilt about not seeing everything I had intended, and accepting that there was absolutely no part of me - physically, mentally, emotionally - that was ready or interested in a 2-week schlep of planes, trains & automobiles. But I finally let myself off the hook and decided, another time. Not this trip, perhaps, but someday, I'll get there - wherever that is.
Today, right now, at this moment, I'm thinking I'll be here in Koh Samui for another week or so, then go to Laos for a week. But maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently. And I'm ok with that. Today, anyway.
